about her

She first came to me one night when I was at a bar with some friends. It was some time after my break up and I was there drinking and chitchatting. Better saying, they were small talking while I wasn’t paying a single dime of attention. That’s exactly when she came.

Who is she? Well, she’s my lover. A greedy and lusty one, I should say. And at times, most playful. At first, she would only want to hang out with me when I had my liquor. Perhaps she thought I was too boring sober. Rapidly I became infatuated, just like a young inexperienced boys do with older mistresses.

She showed me a world I never knew it. Our relationship was addictive. Well, I guess I should say is addictive for it still continues.

When we met, it felt like I knew her my entire life, like friends from school that grew up together until they got separated and now after years away from each other they reunite. But now no longer as friends, but something else.

At the beginning I would get myself into drinking just to incite her to come meet me. Not always she came. As I said, sometimes playful.

And there were several times when she would come when I didn’t want to, but there was nothing I could do about it. I told you she was greedy.

I could be in a party with friends, loud music, lots of people and she would appear and take me away from all that. I could be in a date with a girl, talking, kissing or even sharing the bed, and there I would feel her call and promptly I would go to her.

Heck, she would come even in family dinners.

And I would always give her my full attention. My family would be angry at me, the girl would be confused, the friends would be disappointed, although with time they would be more understanding. For they soon got to know of my relation with her.

So far, for you, she must seem like a horrible person and I a terrible company. But stay with me, for I’ll tell you why she is so wonderful beyond her jealous nature.

When I met her I was at a lost in my life. The break up plus the constant problems with my research project plus my total disinterest for the classes all combined and mixed with a pseudo maturing process, that in reality looked more like a gradual bitterness bubbling inside of me, all that, left me feeling that I had lost my humanity and empathy towards others. Now it is a very simple fact for me: if I can’t understand myself, how could I understand others?

So then she came precisely when I needed her the most. She empathized with me and I with her and as she understood me, so did I understood her. And from this one connection, I rebuilt all others.

We would spend the nights talking and analyzing the peculiarities of life. My life specifically. And we did it for countless nights and I hope that for many more we will do it. All of my texts came from our talks. Night after night with her would gradually give me a better understanding of my life. She is a great listener. I would talk for hours, exposing my problem like a professor exposes a question for his class. And like a shy student, her answers would always came like whispers.

“That’s the way the world ends
That’s the way the world ends
Not with a bang, but a whimper”
“The Hollow Men”, poem by T. S. Eliot

And, my friend, she made my world fall apart many times now. But like a LEGO she always showed me that it could be remade in a new and better shape. A shape of my own. Together we made the instructions book of those new sets. Together we built them. And together we dismantled and broke them apart. Finally, together we would laugh about it, or cry about it or both at the same time.

Nowadays our relationship is more mature. She does not demand that I’m to be drunk for us to meet. With her help I started to become a better person. She stopped coming suddenly when I am hanging out with others and she’s happy that I am better enjoying those moments shared with others.

Occasionally she appears, but only when needed. And then we talk for hours, until we decide is better we go back to my place so we can be more comfortable.

It is funny how she is known to many people, but when she’s with me they don’t recognize her.

It is funny how she has countless lovers besides me and yet so often she is with me.

It is funny how she can be with two people at the same time but never in a three way. A relationship with her can only be of one person and she. After all, as I said in the beginning… Solitude is a greedy lover.